I will miss you M.

I hugged T when I got home from work. I tried to be selfish this once and claim her as mine because I do not want to feel the same pain I am feeling right now. I hate this pain in my heart. I hate missing that moment telling someone that I loved her and that I was so thankful to be a part of her life. Why did I miss that? Why didn't I tell her that I looked up to her? Why didn't I tell her that I want to learn more from her? 

I have always been emotionally strong. This time I feel like I am at the losing end. Last night was the saddest working night.... I miss her. I miss my mentor. I miss a friend. 

How can I make you proud of me M? I told you I am worried about failing. What if I fail? You told me I am positive, I listen, I am smart, and that I am great. Those were the last inspiring words you told me. It made me feel so important and so humble. So important because you are always straight-forward. You rarely smile at work because you are a perfectionist. You are always "by the book". You do not condone favoritism. You know all our individual strengths and weaknesses. I will not forget those times when you get so stressed out and you slammed the desk.... then you pick up the phone and spoke unfaltering professionalism. Just amazing. So humble because there is no pretense. Though you showed me the choices I have on how to earn more in this competitive world, I felt your passion and willingness to take care of the sick and the living. You resolutely said, " I do not care who you are or where you came from. We are equals." 

The moment you saw me you called my name and I gave you a hug. It was our last night working together. If only I have known... I would have taken a picture of us together; I would have bugged you the whole night with my hows and whys; I would have hugged you tightly; I would have shown you my family pictures; I would have introduced you to T; I would have cooked you dinner; I would have told you that you inspire me to be better; I would have cried with you; I should have told you that I love you M.

I do not have a lot of memories to cherish with you but those rare times we were together..... are treasured. That last night was so far the best night. You were full of laughter and advises. I think I finally understood. I can still see your bright eyes watching the love around you. I know you loved us and we all missed you. 

I am sorry I cannot even give you my warmest goodbye. It is breaking my heart. But I understand.... you want to be remembered that night. Watch over us M. I love you.

If I could be where you are now...