A lot has happened in three years. T is a big girl (she claims). She will start kindergarten in three weeks. Yes, she is excited. I am not. I am scared. It’s not the feeling of protectiveness. It’s the fear that she will learn new things on her own. She will hear words that were not spoken in our own little world. She will meet new friends who would make her feel important or unworthy enough. She will have new teachers who would mold her foundation on education. I won’t be there.
I confess I haven’t talk to God lately. I haven’t confided with Lord Jesus lately either. Sometimes I blame myself for everything that has been happening in our lives. After reading a social media post of a friend about the renewal of faith with God, I opted to write on my dear old blog. Then I will pray. Writing is my therepy. I cry easily when I watch a movie or read a good book or articles. I also cry easily when I hear sobbing stories from people. But I do not cry when I am down or sad. I do not cry when someone dear to me (a patient) will die right in front of me. I do cry a lot when I write. That is why it is my means of therapy. It is not pride. This is just how I cope. Even when my husband and I would fight, he would cry while I remain stoic. I know I have a heart because I do love a lot of people and animals. I even love things such as my old pens or old tablet. I put every little in my life a meaning. It is not being sensitive, it is just how I love. When friends pour out their emotions to me, I tend to share my life stories and struggles in love and life. Then before I close my eyes to sleep, I cry because I am thankful that I survived and I am blessed after all. When T was born, she has been my second happy pill. If I do not have the time alone to write, I just hug her tight then I feel better. She is a very sweet girl. She always tells us that she loves us. She loves to lead the prayer. She reminds us that it is time to pray. She thinks that praying is about reporting to God the activities of her daily life. She sounded so innocent and we love listening to her pray.
It has been rough for us these past months. I miss my husband so much but I know he will be back home soon. I will start singing again on September. I do not want to publicize our problems because I know other people has their own struggles. Some people wants to keep the positive air around. I am one of those people, that is why I try to be happy. I also try to be happy for T. I do not want her to see anxiety and fear in my eyes or listen to my qualms or miseries. Life is not perfect but I want to try to show her that happiness always wins. Everyday she will ask me if I am happy with her. I keep those words in my heart. Those words keep me going. She is my little Monster drink.
I have been back in college since last year. On my second year, I will be back on nursing books. It is hard. I have been juggling a full-time job, raising a 5-year-old, and studying. Of course, I have to pay the bills. Just this morning I have two phone calls that need money attention. Worst, my car warranty ran out. Think, think, think. Smile, smile, smile. Then pray, pray, pray. I am sure God will renew my spirit. I am sure the rainbows 🌈 will come out soon.
Angels have been around. I am so thankful for them.
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