Don’t Walk Away

Hey, Lei! Meet up at food court tonight? Please… Your pretty BFF need to vent and you know the best food to eat. I need to taste something delicious today. I am tired from my first night at work. It was a quiet night but it felt like something was dragging my feet. I haven’t slept yet so I can wait for you. Stop dallying because I know it takes you hours to get ready. Mind you I still need to come back tonight for my patients. So hurry!

Snap! I am getting sleepy now. Where are you? Are you still asleep? It must be nice up there. It must be peaceful and bright. Don’t you want to see some tinge of orange and grey too? Well maybe when you’re looking down. Have you seen some familiar faces up there? Aside from you does anyone else knew me? There were a lot of hearts that echoed on my stethoscope. You know I don’t remember names because only their faces matter to me. Blah! I don’t remember their numbers either but I can write books from their colorful stories. Geez! I know I need to stop ranting. But please don’t make me stop because talking about others brings me back to reality. You pointed out that I carry my heart on my sleeve. I know I am all out but I can’t help it. Please come and help me again. 

Lei, this time I don’t think I can come out of this. I’m sorry but I failed you. I gave my all again and I think there’s not much left for the little pretty girl like me. How can I use the theories in psychology to teach T not to follow my path? Oh yeah, my little princess T. I guess you’re not joining me today. I badly need a nap now. T wakes me up on time. 

Lei, please don’t walk away. I am falling down. I miss you. 

I will miss you M.

I hugged T when I got home from work. I tried to be selfish this once and claim her as mine because I do not want to feel the same pain I am feeling right now. I hate this pain in my heart. I hate missing that moment telling someone that I loved her and that I was so thankful to be a part of her life. Why did I miss that? Why didn't I tell her that I looked up to her? Why didn't I tell her that I want to learn more from her? 

I have always been emotionally strong. This time I feel like I am at the losing end. Last night was the saddest working night.... I miss her. I miss my mentor. I miss a friend. 

How can I make you proud of me M? I told you I am worried about failing. What if I fail? You told me I am positive, I listen, I am smart, and that I am great. Those were the last inspiring words you told me. It made me feel so important and so humble. So important because you are always straight-forward. You rarely smile at work because you are a perfectionist. You are always "by the book". You do not condone favoritism. You know all our individual strengths and weaknesses. I will not forget those times when you get so stressed out and you slammed the desk.... then you pick up the phone and spoke unfaltering professionalism. Just amazing. So humble because there is no pretense. Though you showed me the choices I have on how to earn more in this competitive world, I felt your passion and willingness to take care of the sick and the living. You resolutely said, " I do not care who you are or where you came from. We are equals." 

The moment you saw me you called my name and I gave you a hug. It was our last night working together. If only I have known... I would have taken a picture of us together; I would have bugged you the whole night with my hows and whys; I would have hugged you tightly; I would have shown you my family pictures; I would have introduced you to T; I would have cooked you dinner; I would have told you that you inspire me to be better; I would have cried with you; I should have told you that I love you M.

I do not have a lot of memories to cherish with you but those rare times we were together..... are treasured. That last night was so far the best night. You were full of laughter and advises. I think I finally understood. I can still see your bright eyes watching the love around you. I know you loved us and we all missed you. 

I am sorry I cannot even give you my warmest goodbye. It is breaking my heart. But I understand.... you want to be remembered that night. Watch over us M. I love you.

If I could be where you are now...

Happy Finishes

Summer is almost over. School starts soon. But, guess what? I have finished a lot of cross stitch projects. And now I am ready to show them off all to you. It feels good to have some accomplishments done. 

I stitched this "apple" last May for T's kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Smith. It was for "Teacher's day" and she loves her so much. She looks up to her. Thanks to Mrs. Smith and her school days were a fun learning experience. 

To make it personal, T wrote a little thank you note on the back of the canvas. I found the cross stitch pattern from an old "Cross Stitcher" magazine. It was a quick and fun stitch.

This other piece took time to stitch but the outcome made me so happy. I found the pattern from The World of Cross Stitching magazine. It was not a sampler but a big floral project. I simply added "Lilyana's" name to make it personal. I chose this project because our little Lily needs some of her namesake flowers inside her nursery. A permanent one at this. I used a dyed evenweave linen and DMC threads. 

I picked a beautiful gold frame to go with the piece. I framed it myself. It was a birthday gift for her 1st birthday. She is an added princess in my list. I am so glad my friend loves it. 

This charming piece is called "Animal ABC". I found the pattern from Margaret Sherry book. I used an evenweave linen and DMC threads. I started this piece when T started kindergarten. It was an on and off stitching process. I finished it this summer. It was supposed to be a graduation present for T. She knows about the project. The fun part was, she was checking on my progress by asking me what letter I am on that day. My little one loves every animals. To stitch it into a letter makes it a fun learning experience for her. 

I haven't framed it yet. Once it is framed, she wants it hanged in her bedroom. 

I found the pattern from this book. We will miss Margaret Sherry. She was a great artist. And her patterns make stitching so much fun. They released another book of her and I cannot wait to have it. 

Thank you Teacher!

Last May 25th, T ended her preschool years. She has been in Preschool 101 for two years. We both fell in love 😍 with the place because it was clean, safe, and fun. The owner and teacher, Ms. Jennifer, was awesome and practical. I love her innovative ways on taking care of these young, free-spirited minds. On the first week, T came home with bundles of craftwork. She told me then that she loves school. Ever since, for two years (even summer), she has been in that red building. Yes, she calls it her red school. How appropriate. T learned how to write her full name. She cannot read yet but she knows her colors, letters, shapes, and numbers (1 to 20). We are so proud of our T. 

To honor her teachers, I stitched two cross stitch projects. The finished pieces were very simple. The first one is a sampler. I love what it said. It only took me two days to finish it. Then I stick it on a cardboard. The cardboard has a string glued at the back so it can be hanged. T colored a wooden accessory, letter J, that I bought from WalMart. She enjoyed coloring it. Then I asked her to sign her name on a piece of paper. I pasted it on the cardboard with the cross stitch piece. I used a tiny wooden clip to clip it on the board. I think it look adorable. I just hope Ms. Jennifer likes it. 

The second cross stitch piece is very simple. It is a bunch of lilies with a thank you note. I picked this sweet work because the other teacher recipient is a young woman who is as sweet as can be. T loves her dearly. She looks up to her too. Ms. Jenna is a sweetheart. I hope she likes the gift too. I framed it and glued a little bird 🐦 that T colored. It is also a wooden accessory. 

T is moving up in August. And she is very excited. She already loves her “big school”. 

Raindrops keep falling on my head

A lot has happened in three years. T is a big girl (she claims). She will start kindergarten in three weeks. Yes, she is excited. I am not. I am scared. It’s not the feeling of protectiveness. It’s the fear that she will learn new things on her own. She will hear words that were not spoken in our own little world. She will meet new friends who would make her feel important or unworthy enough. She will have new teachers who would mold her foundation on education. I won’t be there. 

I confess I haven’t talk to God lately. I haven’t confided with Lord Jesus lately either. Sometimes I blame myself for everything that has been happening in our lives. After reading a social media post of a friend about the renewal of faith with God, I opted to write on my dear old blog. Then I will pray. Writing is my therepy. I cry easily when I watch a movie or read a good book or articles. I also cry easily when I hear sobbing stories from people. But I do not cry when I am down or sad. I do not cry when someone dear to me (a patient) will die right in front of me. I do cry a lot when I write. That is why it is my means of therapy. It is not pride. This is just how I cope. Even when my husband and I would fight, he would cry while I remain stoic. I know I have a heart because I do love a lot of people and animals. I even love things such as my old pens or old tablet. I put every little in my life a meaning. It is not being sensitive, it is just how I love. When friends pour out their emotions to me, I tend to share my life stories and struggles in love and life. Then before I close my eyes to sleep, I cry because I am thankful that I survived and I am blessed after all. When T was born, she has been my second happy pill. If I do not have the time alone to write, I just hug her tight then I feel better. She is a very sweet girl. She always tells us that she loves us. She loves to lead the prayer. She reminds us that it is time to pray. She thinks that praying is about reporting to God the activities of her daily life. She sounded so innocent and we love listening to her pray. 

It has been rough for us these past months. I miss my husband so much but I know he will be back home soon. I will start singing again on September. I do not want to publicize our problems because I know other people has their own struggles. Some people wants to keep the positive air around. I am one of those people, that is why I try to be happy. I also try to be happy for T. I do not want her to see anxiety and fear in my eyes or listen to my qualms or miseries. Life is not perfect but I want to try to show her that happiness always wins. Everyday she will ask me if I am happy with her. I keep those words in my heart. Those words keep me going. She is my little Monster drink. 

I have been back in college since last year. On my second year, I will be back on nursing books. It is hard. I have been juggling a full-time job, raising a 5-year-old, and studying. Of course, I have to pay the bills. Just this morning I have two phone calls that need money attention. Worst, my car warranty ran out. Think, think, think. Smile, smile, smile. Then pray, pray, pray. I am sure God will renew my spirit. I am sure the rainbows 🌈 will come out soon.

Angels have been around. I am so thankful for them. 

Bestfriends

One of the best decisions my husband and I made for Lil Terra is to adopt a kitten for her. I named her Bella.

Bella's mother is a stray cat that got adopted by my kind-hearted co-worker. She said she found her outside her backyard and felt sorry for her because she was pregnant. Then came the kittens. And we gave Bella a home and a family. She's almost done on her kitten-series vaccination. Just one more shot left and then she can be considered a wellness kitten. And my there's a lot of privileges to be on a Wellness program. I appreciate the care she gets at Animal Hospital of Denison. 

Bella and Terra have a love and hate relationship. I will hear a pain-induced meow then a loud cry from a toddler. She either hits her with a toy or steps on her intentionally because she thinks Bella understands the Game. Then she gets a scratch from a feisty playmate. After time-out they resume the usual relationship. It scared me at first when Terra treats Bella like that but friends would tell us same stories of their kids and pets. "Is it normal? Will she be a serial killer?", are some of my fears. 

After 2 months, I look at it as norm inside our household. 

Bella is her constant companion in the house especially when her parents are busy. They watch movies together. And play nonstop. When Terra comes home from her GG they will hug each other like they haven't seen each other for weeks. And yes they give kisses too. 

I guess Bella is my daughter's first bestfriend. 

AlDub Fever!

Back home in the Philippines I grew up loving TV because of my family. Every meal time except breakfast, we watch TV while we eat. And yes the dining room is very noisy. We laugh and scream infront of the TV. We love TV so much that we even enjoy watching commercials. I have been wondering why nobody gets indigestion. But there are lots of instances that food is spitted out because of too much laughter or talking while eating. Less etiquette more happiness in the round table. But during those meal times our parents would monologue on parenting and values....especially about school. Those were happy memories thanks to our parents. I pray that my husband and I can instill more happy memories to Lil Terra.

We do not have cable at home because we rarely watch TV. We either surf the internet or read a book. Besides, with Lil tornado around you do not own the remote control. While checking my FB I came upon Eat Bulaga, the longest running noontime TV show in my home country. I checked their videos and got the virus of the latest TV fever. 

Meet the new hot couple on TV. Alden + Yaya Dub = AlDub. 

Filipinos love to laugh and watch TV. Imagine watching a comedy TV show while you eat. Pure happiness and contentment for my countrymen and....me. I have watched their videos multiple times. And no I'm not contagious because I'm in America.